Andy: Wind. (As in: "Blows bikes over," not "the old pocketwatch")

I recently (and by recently I mean a while ago) went on a short overnight tour to Bloomington IL from my hometown in Downers Grove IL (which, by the way is a very nice place to raise a family if you're interested). The plan was thus: ride 75 miles one day, then camp, then ride the remaining 75 miles to my destination. I had a train ticket back because time constraints wouldn't allow a return trip.

While checking the weather, I made sure that I would not be encountering rain, snow, or storms of blood like Jesus used to make. seeing none of the above, I geared up and left.

If this were a disaster movie, at this point the camera would pan from the window (where you would see me leaving fully loaded and confident) to the computer screen still open to the weather. Tomorrow's ignored forecast: Wind. (it was in italics, too.)

Day one, easy schmeasy. What a joke biking is. Its so easy. Even a baby with no brain could do it. I said " SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE!" to my original goal of 75 miles and busted out a full century. Screw you 75, you suck and are an orphan. I figured I was in great shape to finish the 50 miles remaining and show up early in Bloomington to make out with my girlfriend.

I find an abandoned park and set up my tent for the night at 7:30, planning on getting an obscene amount of sleep and waking up so rested that my eyes would shoot pure beams of energy like Cyclops from X- Men. * Little did I know, that Wind was coming.

It was my first time setting up my tent by myself like a big kid so I screwed up and did it bad like a dumb little kid. My tarp was loose, which, under normal circumstances would not be an issue, but the circumstances were far too windy to be normal. The tarp detached and beat my tent mercilessly. The constant slapping reminded me of a three stooges movie (one with Joe or Shemp). I tried to sleep but the cold weather and the BANG BANG BANG of my tarp on the side of the tent said "Hey Andy, wake up, If you wake up I'll give you free candy." But it was lying. It didn't give me any free candy and I fell for it so much that I only slept two hours the whole night.

Day 2 was hard. I was tired, and the wind was still being an idiot like an idiot is. Luckily for the wind it didn't have to worry about blowing too hard because I was stopping it with my body and my bike. All 45 miles per hour of it. While riding directly into the wind (which composed a majority of the day's travel) I was able to reach blinding speeds of 5 to zero miles an hour. At one point a gust physically stopped my bike from moving forward and I had to walk for two miles. Now I know how Helen Hunt felt during "Twister" She's so talented and brave, don't you think?

Two hours later I had moved a whopping 5 miles. At least now I was traveling perpendicular to the wind instead of directly into it. I was in an empty field waiting to be planted with the summer crops so I had miles of flat land all around me and nothing else. Seeing a house was more rare than a disease that they would talk about on the show "House." At this point I was hit by another massive gust of wind and my bike capsized. Goodbye balance! You were taken by the breeze. Goodbye map, you left with the balance.

Hapless and mapless, I rolled into a ditch defeated and called my girlfriend at 8 am crying like a baby and asking for a ride. I didn't know where I was, but I knew I was somewhere between Bloomington and Downers Grove. Eventually I was found, but I lost more than just my map on that fateful day. I lost my pride.... And my balance.... And my map.


*Cyclops didn't get his powers from being fully rested though, he was just born that way.*